Posts Tagged ‘loneliness’

They tried to catch a falling star.
Thinking that she had gone too far.
She did but kept it hidden well.
Until she cracked and then she fell.

If all the history is true.
She’s gonna end up just like you.
You made it to the other side.
But tell me who will be my guide?

They build you up so they can tear you down.
Trust the ocean you’ll never drown.
Who is next? Who’s gonna steal your crown?
You’ll see…

Northern Star, Mel C

If anyone still reads these pages, then it will be worth having written this.

I am sorry, sorry to the people whom I may have hurt or worried.

Please know that I did not intend to hurt you – my intentions were to help you, to save you from what I felt was going to happen.

One might feel that having accomplished the isolation that I craved, I would feel happy for once, ensconced in my own Folly.

But as I survey my ravaged Queendom, note the ashes of my bridges, I feel regret along with acceptance.

For what I had was precious, though I did not see that at the time. And though the ruining of my life was my choice, I almost feel that my hand was forced, that my control was illusionary at best.

And yet, I made choices, and must live with them. I see the updates of those who once counted me a friend on Facebook – they have moved on.

But if any of you chance to glance this way, please know that I am sorry.


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Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Thou only art immortal, the creator and maker of mankind; and we are mortal, formed of the earth, and unto earth shall we return.

For so thou didst ordain when thou createdst me, saying, “Dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.”

All we go down to the dust; yet even at the grave we make our song: Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia.

Give rest, O Christ, to thy servant with thy saints, where sorrow and pain are no more, neither sighing, but life everlasting.

Excerpt from the Book of Common Prayer

Things are not good. I guess I’m still pretty severely depressed.

The fire raged and the fire burnt and the fire has had its way with me.

I am nothing but dust, a few withered bits of husk, having one last final dance upon the wind.

I am all run out of me: I get up and I go to bed, I go about my business, but it is not me.

The lights are on, yet nobody is at home; she is the girl sitting in the corner of the room, hiding from the shadows.

I nearly tried to sleep on my floor last night because I did not have the motivation to get out of that corner and go to bed.

I have stopped caring now: neither life nor death hold my interest.

I am stuck in a living death from which I seem to have no escape.

This is hell 😦

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My body is here, but my mind is not. It keeps slipping back to a middling-large house in the countryside, filled to the gills with family, friends, and a cat.

I keep wondering… what are they doing now? How are they? Who do they have over at the moment?

I know that all I have to do to return is to ring them up and ask.

“We want you to feel you always have a home here”, they said. “Come down any time… well, when we’re here ourselves!”, they said.

To be honest, I’m so lonely at the moment that it is increasingly difficult not to make that ‘phone call. The contrast between the echoingly empty campuses and busy days in “Zion” is growing. People to see, children to look after, hungry hordes to feed. But there, not here.

And yet here is the paradox: if it were home, I would call this homesickness.

But it is not home.

Home is here, or with my parents.

Not there.

However much I might wish it was.

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