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Posts Tagged ‘fish happens’

Death and (physical) Illness

A few weeks ago I went over with my parents to see one of my grandparents, whom had been taken into hospital for various old-age complaints along the line of “not looking after herself”. When I saw her, I recognised the expression on her face right away, having seen it in the mirror so many times. She looked like she’d really lost interest in life, stuck between four white walls and directly below a window she couldn’t even see out of. All she wanted to do is go home. But being home is what had put her in hospital.

And so she was lying there, with a drip in her arm, and nothing much to do except sleep, think, and, er… sleep. She wasn’t eating much at all, and had various other problems (seemed that whatever organ you could have named, she had trouble with it).

Unsurprisingly perhaps, she died this Monday.

She never did make it home. Even had she survived, she would have been placed in a hospice.

I don’t know what to think. I know there’s no right answer.

I feel guilty that I’m not upset – I barely feel anything. Truth is that this is linked to depression – I’d attained the state of numbness and apathy before she died, and her death has not thawed the numbness in the slightest.

I feel a little envious – she’s past her problems now.

More than envy, I also feel a bit resentful. Her death means that I can’t in conscience kill myself. I wish I could, I’m so fed up of fighting, but now I have to find the strength to carry on again, for my mother’s sake. I have no idea how she’d cope if she lost both her mother and daughter in a short space of time, but I can’t imagine it would be very pretty, so my own desire for peace has to be set aside.

I almost didn’t post this; I don’t want to clog up the blogosphere with moaning/glorification of suicide, and I expressly don’t want sympathy. But as I was writing this, I found it helped somehow, so it may as well go up. Don’t be surprised if it disappears again.

Other things have been happening this week as well (had that appointment with the young-people place), but I’ll save those for another blog post.

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As I mentioned, I’m on the waiting list for an organisation who work with young people with mental health issues. When I spoke to them on the phone, they’d promised to send some info out to me about them, and had said they had a group that I could go along to while I was waiting, to meet others in my situation etc. That sounded daunting but possibly very worthwhile, as (though I don’t like to admit it), loneliness is a big feeling in my life right now.

I’ve nothing against my friends, they’re all great, but they’re busy people and they keep forgetting about me. I see them about twice a month, which isn’t really enough to keep me from bouncing off the walls through lack of human contact. Plus, as they don’t have therapy to stick around for, they’re all leaving for the long summer holiday in a few weeks time.

I got the letter today.

The group is for under-18s.

I’m 21.

Square One, we really should stop meeting like this, or people will begin to talk!

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Of Mice and (Wo)men

Most nights I hear strange noises around me as I lie in bed. This would bother me (actually, given some of my childhood night terrors, it probably wouldn’t, but I digress), however as I live on the ground floor, and we share living space with a family of mice, I chalk it up to them.

Stereotypically, as a girl I would be jumping on a chair and clutching my skirts around me at the first sight of a tail. Sadly, that’s not too far from the truth in the case of some people I know. However, I find mice to be better housemates than some humans. They don’t leave their washing-up to fester for hours days weeks on end, nor express concern at the fact that yet AGAIN I’m still wearing my PJs at 4 in the afternoon.

I’ve no idea how I would get anyone to come around and lay traps for them, but as I assume it would involve using the telephone, I think I’ll chicken out for now. Perhaps nagging my landlady is the answer. One thing I certainly should do is to stop leaving my dirty plates and so on lying around on the floor, as I’m sure I could potentially catch all sorts from them. I’m being fairly lackadaisical about hygiene at the moment… possibly still a kickback from being scarily obsessed about things being contaminated with germs (without going into too much detail, it deteriorated to the point where I only had one cereal dish that was “safe”, and ate everything out of it, even things like pizza that more normally go on plates).

Hmmmm. I hear them again…

I wonder if mice are edible?

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A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
a season for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to rebuild.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to lose.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak up.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

For some reason, I often find incredible peace from reading this. I suppose because it mentions most of the emotions I wind up going through, but gives no extra time to the “good ones” – all are treated equally. I feel somewhat reassured by the thought that there may indeed be a time to cry, a time to grieve, and even a time to die.

There may even be a time to miss church, which is what I accidentally did today. I’m rather peeved about it, because I’d been spending virtually the whole week looking forward to going, and to seeing someone there who I wanted to talk to… but she will hopefully be there again next week, so I shall just have to focus on making it through the next week. I’m feeling fine (not depressed, etc), so the challenge will be not stressing myself out too much with CVs and application letters nor with trying to work out how to make my complete lack of experience and recent breakdown sound like positive reasons why I should be hired.

Oh, yeah… if I’d known I was going to oversleep anyway, I could have stayed up and watched that episode of Casualty while it was still freshly new on iPlayer, instead of going to bed. If only I were psychic, huh?

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