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Posts Tagged ‘family drama’

You Can Lead A Horse To Water…

…but you cannot make it drink.

So, I told my parents.

Their response?

Silence.

I know they don’t know what to say, I know that they must hate not knowing what to say.

But, c’mon, say something to acknowledge that I’m going through a shitty time? I’m giving up my dreams, my place on a very good course, my accomodation, and the job I love… because of an severe illness that is as yet remaining out of my control.

Walking off without acknowledging me when I go to say “Goodbye” because you can’t cope is understandable, but dammit, I don’t want to have to understand you, or give you time… I want some support, m’kay?

Is this really too much to ask?

I posted them a copy of this and this (the first of which is my personal antidote to the “noone else feels like this” moments) in the hope that they might read them, and perhaps be able to understand a little.

On the plus side, my mood and energy remain on an upward trend, as evidenced by the fact that today’s session with my worker took place with me perched on the windowsill…

…thus providing me with a very high outlook, I guess 😀

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By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept
when we remembered Zion.

There on the poplars
we hung our harps,

for there our captors asked us for songs,
our tormentors demanded songs of joy;
they said, “Sing us one of the songs of Zion!”

How can we sing the songs of the LORD
while in a foreign land?

Psalm 137, 1-4

I’ve been struggling a bit this week, and having a small amount of family drama added to the mix hasn’t really helped (when does family drama ever help?). To cut a long story short, my gran’s funeral was at 10am on Friday… and we only found out on Thursday afternoon! For me, this made the logistics very difficult.

I am however proud of myself through the fog, as I…

  • realised I wasn’t going to be able to manage everything on my own
  • identified one of my friends who would be able to help
  • and plucked up the courage to make the phone call to ask them for help!

That’s an absolute first for me, and really shows how much I’ve learnt this year.

Funeral was… strange. A lot of people I’ve never met before, a lot of strain on my mother
(and indirectly on me). I came back home earlier than my parents, because the pressure
of trying to “fake normal”, and to live up to the standard of behaviour that they expect from me, was proving too much, and I noticed myself growing increasingly nervous about what they might be saying about me behind my back (not unjustifiably, I suppose, but all the same, I could feel it was beginning to trigger old paranoias, and didn’t want to sink further into that). I did discover that I’ve lost an extra half stone in the last month… ooops.

On returning home, I found my internet had been cancelled by my ex-housemate. Amazingly, I managed to order it anew under my name with a different company, so am now waiting to hear back about it. I hope all goes smoothly, as I don’t really feel I have the energy to be ringing up call centres and fighting for my internet access!

Mood wise, I’m not sure how I feel. I’m really doubting that this is an “illness” – which,
ironically, was one of the things that I identified a few months as being an indicator of well/not well. So, ho hum. Do I believe what I think now, or memories of how I used to think?
The answer really depends on itself, if you know what I mean.

Still having suicidal feelings, but still in control of them… just about. Mostly I’m good at remembering reasons to live, but sometimes they fade in importance compared to the lure of suicide. I’m trying to distract myself from working out what my currently preferred method is, since I know even if I did, there’d be plenty of time to plan while I was setting my affairs in order. I know I have the option of asking for a CMHT referral… but I’m not clear on at what point that becomes something I should ask for, and the little note that the worker I saw in May scribbed down for me doesn’t specify. We only talked about who I could go to and what exactly I should say (to avoid getting referred back to the Primary Care Mental Health Team again!), not a boundary between appropriate/inappropriate.

Also, the really big obstacle to doing that is the time it would take. It can take up to a week
just to get a GP appointment, and intothesystem’s referral (who appears to be at a similar point to myself mood-wise) seems to be taking forever and a day. Given how long just a few hours can feel when I’m finding it the hardest not to give in, waiting as long as she is seems a worse option than not even trying at all. I’m currently on the waiting list for some form of support from the young-people place, so I’ll see how I feel when that happens, and what they say. That should be “as soon as possible”… but of course that may not actually be for some time. It’s also only 9 days till my appointment with the person I’m (hopefully) seeing for CBT, and presumably he will have an opinion as well. We’ll see.

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