Posts Tagged ‘counselling’

As above.

Appointment with “Mental Health Practioner” at the end of July (NHS).

Appointment next Tuesday at the young-people place.



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Didn’t sleep all night except for a one hour nap Thursday morning.

Broke-up with my counsellor. Let her think I was happier about the abruptness of it than I was.

Cried most of the day. But it was a regretful crying, not the insane crying I indulged in on Monday.

Bought the latest Coldplay album, Vida la Vida (how ironic). Spent absolu-blutely-ages trying to work out how to get the CD out of the weird cardboard sleeve. Like the picture on the cover of la Liberté… could do with some egalité and fraternité myself, but there you go. Postponing judgement on the music.

Slept fitfully all evening and morning, dragged myself out of bed at midday (it’s now 1.19pm). Felt like much longer than it really had been – this is a good sign.

Still postponing judgement on the Coldplay album until I can scrape up enough of my concentration to make a sense of it as being more than just individual notes.

Hoping they might call me today so I can have some idea of what’s going to happen and that I’m not being left in the lurch. Not very hopeful.

Think I might go back to bed.

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Swings and Roundabouts

I had productive plans for today.

Instead, I overslept, threw a tantrum at my potential new counsellor, and spent two and a half hours sobbing in a stairwell.

Well, the oversleeping is definitely noone’s fault except my own, but I think Gestalt psychotherapy may not be for me…

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Meme, Meme, It’s All About Meme…

Well, it seems everything happens at once. Not only have I potentially found something to occupy my summer (more about this if it does happen), but the organisation for young people with mental health issues that I’ve mentioned a few times before finally called me back and set up an appointment for a “chat” next Monday. Ooo-er!

On the plus side, that was an incredibly short “8-12 weeks”… it was only just over a month! If only NHS waiting lists worked like that…

Suzy over at Dumped By A Hallucination has tagged me with a (shorter than last time) meme, and I’m still a little stuck for blogspiration, so here goes…

Last movie you saw in a theatre?
I don’t go to the cinema much, but coincidentally I saw one yesterday. It was Made Of Honour, and though I have the feeling it was supposed to be slightly satirical, I haven”t seen any of the films it was satiring, so I didn’t really get it. It was good for  making funny faces at my friend in the dark though (we hadn’t seen each other for several months, hence kept talking over the film… thankfully there were only two other people in the cinema, and they weren’t sitting anywhere near us).

What book are you reading?
Two, both childrens books. Jo to the Rescue by Elinor M Brent Dyer, and Les Songes de Tulà by Claire Panier-Alix.

Favourite board game?
Ludo! But if we’re talking “proper” board games, then Monopoly. I dunno why, I just really like it.

Favourite magazine?
I don’t read magazines much any more, though I’ve started getting Scientific American sometimes. I used to read the Beano, and still do on occasion (actually, I haven’t bought it in a while… hmmmm, shall have to remedy that *mad grin*). I also used to read stuff like M&J and Bunty when I was about 11/12, but sadly those types of magazines aren’t printed any more. The end of an era!

Favourite smells?
Errr… people have favourite smells? I guess new-book-smell is pretty nice, closely followed by the papery smells of old books (but not books that are old enough to have gone mouldy)

Favourite sounds?
I love just hearing the buzz of people around me… after spending so much time alone, it’s so comforting. Also the sound of peace and quiet… I’m a country girl at heart, and it’s very difficult to find round here!

Worst feeling in the world?
Don’t want to talk about it here.

What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
Depends what time. If it’s before 10am – “why the hell am I awake?”; if it’s later than 10am – “argggh why am I still in bed?”. I’m very difficult to please sometimes.

Favourite fast food place?

Future child’s name?
No idea.

Finish this statement: “If I had a lot of money I’d…?
Give a lot away, I don’t need more money thankyouverymuch.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
No, because I’m scared he’ll fall out of the bed and the mice will eat him (like they did my favourite cushion). He’s a teddy bear that I’ve had since I was a very small child, and he sleeps in my laundry bin for his own protection.

Storms – cool or scary?
Absolutely awesome! I love storms!

Favourite drink?
Coca-cola. I drink far too much of it. These days I’m all about Caffeine-free Diet Coke, which is better for my mental health and my waistline, but also carcinogenic (apparently). Can’t win…

Finish this statement: “If I had the time I would…?
Travel around the world.

Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
Er, I don’t understand this question. What part of broccoli is there to eat apart from the stems? Unless you mean that green fluffy stuff?

If you could dye your hair any colour, what would be your choice?
Um… the Goth in me wants it to be black, but the realistic-adult part knows that wouldn’t suit me. I’d settle for an “interesting” brown.

Name all the different cities/towns you’ve lived in?
Well, I grew up in little-provincial-coastal-town, went to school in very-insular-coastal village, and then moved to big-university. Obviously being an anonymous blog I’m not going into any more detail than that!

Favourite sports to watch?
I don’t.

One nice thing about the person who sent this to you?
I love reading her blog, it’s very illuminating, and refreshing to see someone else go through the same worries and so on that I did at her age.

What’s under your bed?
Mice. And probably a load of rubbish.

Would you like to be born as yourself again?
Only if I’d have the chance to retify the mistakes I made.  If it involved living exactly the same life again, then no way José! Once was one time too many.

Morning person, or night owl?
With a blogname like Chouette, it’s gotta be the owl. I just don’t function in the mornings – which is a bit unfortunate, given how many 9am lectures physics students have!

Over easy, or sunny side up?
In the bin, I loathe, hate and detest eggs as they make me retch. Though that’s a rather childish reaction that I’m trying to overcome.

Favourite place to relax?
In the dark. Oddly, this is the only behaviour of mine that has ever led my familly to be concerned about my mental health. Cos, you know, only psychos like the dark. Or something…

Favourite pie?
Goey institutional cheese-and-onion pie. That and the awesomely undercooked pizzas are the only things I miss from years and years of school dinners.

I’ll tag crazysuka, though I guess she probably has been already.

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I’m So Happy (for a change)

Yeah, that’s an odd post title for a blog about depression, but things have been going well these past two days, and I’ve been spending so much time with people.

I actualy think this might mean that I’ve regained “normalilty”. There’s a line from a hymn – “Mornings of joy give for evenings of tearfulness, trust for our trembling, and hope for our fear” – which I used to identify with so much when I was a kid. Used to comfort myself with that thought, when I was crying my eyes out in the small hours, that it wouldn’t last forever.

And then of course I got depressed, and found that when you’re depressed, it does last forever. Ho hum.

I think I’d quite like to stop seeing my counsellor, we’re just not on the same wavelength.  The last time I told her a humourous anecdote, she said it made her want to cry. And then there was the time she forgot she was supposed to be supportive and accepting, looked very shocked, and suddenly said “but that’s not normal!“, almost as if I’d just told her I enjoyed eating dog poo (no offence meant to anyone who does, mind). I think she’s probably best at dealing with bereaved people and so on. I don’t really get the feeling she’s had a client like me before, and sometimes I feel like she’s learning more from the sessions than I am…

But on the other hand, I’m not sure what to do. I’m still on the waiting list for the young-people place (what is it with the word “young people”? I have a friend who counsels children, and she uses that phrase all the time too. It sounds so terribly PC). I figure I must be about halfway down now… it’s been almost 5 weeks, and they said it would be “8-12”. So, theoretically, it could be this month, though I think that’s being rather too optimistic.

Oh, I dunno…

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Still fueled up on the sugar from the remainder of my pic ‘n mix, I’m going to admit to how truely pathetic I am how much I’ve let depression impact my life…

Forget the “getting a job” thing – that’s important, yes, but the following are my three major I-want-to-improve-my-quality-of-life goals for the summer:

  • Get my computer fixed

  • Have a haircut

  • Register with a dentist

I should perhaps explain a little :

EDIT: Clipped the moaning (more…)

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Last week, I saw a “mental health worker” to discuss what (if any) therapy the NHS can offer me. They are offering me 8-10 (or 6-8… I can’t remember) sessions of CBT. So far so good. She also gave me details of a few groups that I could refer myself to if I wanted/preferred, and talked over with me what I can do if I find myself in crisis again. Also so far so good.

What was even better was that, from amongst my humourous anecdotes and slightly less humourous said-while-trying-not-to-cry admissions, she managed to pick out (and I quote, from the summary letter) “symptoms of depression, such as hypersomnia (sometimes 20 hours a day), mood swings, loss of appetite, loss of interest in things, poor motivation and poor concentration”. This is actually quite relieving to read, as although I did in moments of lucidity think I had it, and definately found it a convenient excuse for hiding my perceived incompetence, the depression was causing me to feel it was all in my imagination. I’m a little perturbed that mood swings are apparently a symptom of depression, as I’m still experiencing those (currently one week normal, one week down…), but I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise as I know I’m not quite back to normal yet… to be totally honest, I’m not even sure what “normal” is anymore. Perhaps I should instead be taking it as a good sign, that there will be more stability in my nearish future. I’m a tad curious as to why “negative thoughts, particularly about herself” is listed separately from those, but I assume that’s just because it was getting to be a rather long list otherwise.

It was chilling to see “recurring suicidal thoughts and had developed a method, plan and intent to carry them out” typed out in print, as it means I can’t deny that this is something I’ve struggled with during periods of my life, but it’s presumably a good thing, as I hope this will end up in my medical notes? It would be really nice if the next GP whose office I shuffle into in that state would take me seriously, and not just shove me off with a referral for counselling (who had a 12 week waiting list just for initial ASSESSMENT)*.

The disappointing thing was that I didn’t really get a chance to talk about the strangeness and scariness of it all. I feel like I’ve been emotionally stretched out on the rack, then used as target practise in a firework factory. Hell, I felt like I was a firework from time to time. And I’m still trying to get my head around the fact that for the second time in my life I rather lost touch with reality, and started perceiving things that weren’t there. I suppose what I need is talk therapy, but she did say that CBT would be “practical” (and orientated towards recognising an episode again, etc), so I suppose I should see about talking about it in counselling so I can really get my head around and integrate it. Unfortunately, I don’t feel comfortable talking about the guts and gore of my mental health with my current counsellor, so switching to another might be an idea, but I don’t know where to look. I’m on the waiting list for a group who work with young people with mental health issues, and I know that one of the services they can offer is counselling, but that waiting list’s about 2-3 months long.

Oh well… ce sera sera.

*thankfully my mood improved before I got all the way through my plans, or I probably wouldn’t be here to type this!

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