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Archive for May, 2010

The Curse of Human Nature is Imagination

Carried away by thee truculence of my world,
I got lost in the search for enlightenment,
The blue rain covered my roots and I forgot where I came from.

Pearls of Light, Within Temptation

Where is the border between a dream and a memory? How do we move forward when it becomes blurred and imprecise?

I keep dreaming of visits home that haven’t happened, but feel as though they have; conversations that were never said; places I never went to.

I spent a significant portion of yesterday trying to work out if my grandad is still dead or not. I felt embarrassed to ring my grandmother and ask. I definitely remember attending his funeral almost a decade ago. I got a couple days off school for it. Yet I have this suspicion that it was all a staged fake, that he’s still alive. I have recollections of walking in on him with my familly, and feeling utterly bewildered and betrayed that he was alive. I don’t trust my parents to tell the truth, but I think I trust my grandma to be honest, to not inflict something so cruel on me.

I’m also finding I have intrusive memories of my last suicide attempt, over a year ago. The memory of giving my weight to the makeshift rope, has broken loose and is haunting me, taking on the clothes of normality, and trying to infiltrate my thoughts. Luckily, I’m not quite that impressionable.

This is quite a hard post to write. Who wants to admit that they’re not quite so sure what is real anymore?

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My GP’s surgery have lost the repeat prescription that I ordered on Friday. It got written out, but it wasn’t there when I went to pick it up today.

Turns out they can’t just print me anther one off – they’ve given me a week’s supply while they track the original down.

It never even occured to me that this sort of thing happened 😯

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Three Things I Learnt Today

  1. Making a doctor’s appointment is something I get far too stressed about. Its also absurdly difficult, hence the stress.
  2. The downside of seeing a psychiatrist is that GP appointments are a waste of my time, as they daren’t add or remove anything I’m taking.
  3. Having a past history of suicide attempts seems to ensure that GPs will never focus on anything else. Like, say, distressing akathisia, or my  worries about the fact that last time I had this symptom it developed into a complete inability to do anything other than pace and gabble at silly speeds about people who (really weren’t) out to get me.

So now, I need to work on getting by with this restlessness until my next med review (end of June), and accepting the fact that it does makes me look rather more mental that I am when I’m out and about. Oh, and not having tantrums when made to queue…

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One in 10^5?

Snippets from the venlafaxine patient information leaflet:

You should seek immediate medical help if you have any of the following symptoms:

  • <snip>, restlessness, <snip>, which are symptoms of serotonergic syndrome

Other possible side effects:
In addition, if any of the following symptoms are severe or become troublesome, you should tell your doctor:

Likely to affect fewer than 1 in 10,000 people:

  • feeling of restlessness or if you feel unable to sit or stand still

I don’t know what the matter is – I suppose it could just be extreme anxiety (though over what, I’m not sure), or it could be to do with the fact that I take both venlafaxine and trazodone.

Thing is, the restlessness, tearfulness, irritableness and constantly Impending Doom (TM) is driving me slowly bonkers, and all the rocking back and forth has given me backache. Thus I’ve decided to sacrifice a decent (medicated) night’s sleep in order to make a GP appointment for later this week.

Also, I’ve been on the same doses of medication for almost three months now – shouldn’t any side effects have shown up when I started?

There’s not much I can do about it till I see my GP, but, while I’m desperate for someone to help make this torture stop, I’m also kinda desperate for akathisia/agitation not to put a spanner in the only med combo that’s helped me avoid those really low lows that I kept having.

Just two and a half hours before I can make the appointment… does anyone have some spare Zzzs they can send me until then?

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