Archive for May, 2009

NHS Dont-istry

Sadly, as I’ve mentioned before, some of my teeth are, quite literally half what they used to be.

When I was a kid I had no such problem – not boasting, but my milk teeth were perfect, as were my adult teeth for the first few years.

However, what’s now nearly a decade (eek!) of my mental health problems have obviously left their mark. Very obviously so.

I’ve tried my best to keep up my dental hygiene when I could, but, to be honest, there’s no escaping the fact that what I really need is a good dentist. Admittedly I’ve looked about occasionally over the past few years, but never with my full heart in it.  The NHS website happily provides a list of dentists in my area, but won’t separate out the ones that are accepting NHS paying patients, making the process rather a pain.

So, when I found out today that my area’s PCT has a phone line that helps with finding NHS dentists (among other things), I gave them a ring. Lets just say, it wasn’t a good experience. The lady on the other end of the phone insisted that I tell her the number I was calling from “in case we get disconnected”, despite the fact that I didn’t know it, and told her so. It seemed to go downhill from that point.

I finally gave her my mobile number, which satisfied her, and gulped out the fact that I was looking for a dentist, then my control slipped from my grasp. During the duration of the call, I shouted (“Hey, you don’t need to shout at me” in a very offended tone)), cried (“Are you alright? Do you need to talk? You can phone NHS Direct on… <whatever their fecking phone number is>” ), and was generally a bit of a problem caller, albeit through no fault of my own.

She really didn’t seem to be able to ignore my crying and realise that I didn’t want to “talk about it”, I wanted a dentist. Frankly, if I wanted to talk, I would have phoned the Samaritans, not her! I did try to explain as matter of factly as I could that it was just anxiety about seeing a dentist/finding the phone call difficult/fairly run-of-the-mill for me, but I don’t think I really got through to her. Finally I managed to find out from her that there wasn’t a dentist with his/her list open for several miles around, and she suggested I call back on Monday(!).

I hung up, and promptly had a small panic attack.

Let’s see how Monday’s phone call goes… can’t say I’m looking forward to it!

Anyone know how I go about finding a dentist who’s sensitive to dental phobia/mental illness issues, and won’t cost me an eye-tooth to see?

PS: To the unknown someone who ate all the cream off the top of my trifle in the communal fridge, could you not have been a tad more subtle about what you nicked?


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So, the mood has deflated somewhat, leaving me feeling…

… disappointed,
… betrayed,
… slightly dirty,
… bewildered.

I’m sure I should simply rejoice in the fact that I can enjoy moods like that, but the rollercoaster is getting tiring. I want real gold, not fake gold that flakes and tarnishes as soon as it is exposed to the light of reality. I’m embarrassed by some of the (minor) things I said and views I expressed, and worried by the fact that I stopped taking my dulox at one point.

Luckilly the euphoria started disappearing before I (finally!) saw the psychiatrist, as a week previously I’d been fully intending to give him the benefit of my theories and ask to be discharged… as it was, the session went ok. It was a fairly standard assessment, with all the usual questions asked, and the conclusion was that I should continue on the dulox as I seemed to be “stable” on it, and come back in three months (with the normal get-out-clause of “see your GP or make an earlier appointment if you feel you need to”). I was vibrating like a struck string all the way through the appointment, but I think he must have mistaken my agitation for anxiety/desperately needing the loo, and even commented that it “wasn’t long to go now” so I didn’t feel I wanted to enlighten him.

My sleep is still a problem, but he had no words of wisdom on that front, only noting that “insommnia can be a side effect of duloxetine” but that he “wasn’t sure about ‘nightmares'”. Great…

I did, however, manage to convince the receptionist at my GP’s to give me an appointment (whole ‘nother story there), so maybe I might get some advice tomorrow. It’s slowly driving me insane, as I’m still waking up in the night, having weird dreams, and am tired ALL THE FLIPPING TIME. It even drove me to embarrassed pleading with one of my collegues to take some of my work off my shoulders… not ideal, as he’s in the middle of failing a bunch of exams, and pretty stressed out himself.

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Found whilst surfing the web.

Entitled “Confusion”.

Somehow it sums up my feelings at the moment.

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Sleep, Glorious Sleep

(SHM is a year old as of yesterday.)

In a funny state these past few days, weeks. Saw my worker yesterday. Spent most of yesterday trying to write something coherent on here to mark the one year anniversary since my first post, but nothing came together, so for once I am just going to type out my thoughts.

The weather is cloudy today but I’m still having a good day. My worker yesterday never referred back to last week at all, she did however bring up the fact that she feels I’m “up” again, “almost the opposite of depressed”, which is silly cos that’s just not-depressed, which is good. Said that mostly people manage to keep an even keel and don’t quite go up and down so much. Commented on my agitation, which surprised me, then I realised that I was in fact moving about a lot and must indeed outwardly appear agitated. Seeing this as just another mood state feels kinda like a good explanation, but also not that great, for reasons I will expand on after I’ve been to Tescos.

Ok, back now, so here goes. It’s good because it provides an explanation for things that have been puzzling me: not sleeping much/not eating much/really really vivid dreams/everyone seeming so miserable all the flipping time. We discussed how those all make sense if seen in that context. But bad because… well, because… I can’t really articulate why, but it doesn’t feel like the “right” explanation. I don’t really want to see this as a symptom, as a sign that perhaps I should be taking my dulox more regularly and not just when I remember to convince myself I should. I want this to be my baseline, I feel like I’m going to feel this way for ever and ever, and don’t want to think I might be wrong. TBH I don’t really believe I was ever depressed, it doesn’t fit the evidence, but I don’t know why people would make it up.

I watched 10 Things You Need to Know About Sleep this morning – well, ok, I’ve only seen the first half an hour so far, but there were still some interesting ideas I want to try. Having trouble with my sleep at the moment – I simply can’t sleep continously for more than a few hours at a time, and Nytol hasn’t helped at all this time. I want to try and get at least 6 hours of sleep a night, admittedly I feel ok on what I’m getting but that’s not the point – hopefully that will stop these bizarre dreams I’m having as they’re starting to bother me, some of them have been impossible to shake off, and I don’t like getting so confused about what’s real and what’s not.

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The End of Something Good?

I’m so confused.

Confused and annoyed.

I have mentioned at various points that I’ve been having sort-of-counselling/supportive sessions with a worker from a local charity that promotes the mental health of young adults. I’ve gotten on with her much better than I did with my old counsellor or with the chocolate teapot.

I saw her today, and, I think in response to my reluctance to talk about things, and my continuing stability over the last few weeks, she suggested stopping our sessions. She said that she would leave my file open for a couple of months so that I could get another appointment if I wanted one, but to be honest I can’t see myself making such an appointment.

My brain agrees with her on a logical basis, but emotionally I feel rather like I’m being tossed out on my ear as soon as I’m better. I’m unsure whether she’s suggesting this because it’s what she thinks is best, or whether she’s perceived me as wanting to end the sessions. I certainly had been thinking about seeing her less frequently, but the idea of a sudden termination seems a bit… out of the blue. I mentioned this to her, and she said it was a bit out of the blue for her too, and that it certainly hadn’t been on her mind when she came in, so, I dunno…

She wanted me to have a think about it and let her know when I see her next Monday.

I dunno.

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