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Archive for April, 2009

Learning to Be Normal Again

Today started out well. I picked up my latest prescription from the doc’s, and exchanged it for more dulox at the pharmacy. Also grabbed some leaflets from the jobcentre and dropped into HSBC… though the first two branches I tried had both shut down! Ironically, when I entered the third branch I was greeted by a large sign broclaiming HSBC to be “the world’s local bank“.

Having said that, I suspect that may be a personal record of errands achieved in one day. Go me!

Had an amazing conversation with a complete stranger on the High Street. She’d originally stopped me to try and promote a rather posh salon that was way out of my price range, but we wound up yapping for ages about the LHC in Switzerland and the decline in educational standards at secondary level. She told me I was funny, which makes a change, and that I had nice hair (score one for the purple, then :D).

And then, standing in the queue at the ice cream counter, time slowed to a crawl, the other queuers seemed smug, the air pressed in on me with a surprising force. I wondered briefly if I was going to faint. The counter girl cowered from me as she finally got my order right on her third attempt.

And now I’m typing this up on the bus to keep me occupied. I can’t shake off the feeling that the other passengers are watching me. The girl on a phone two seats in front keeps glancing back, the guy with a book is pretending not to. I’m angling the screen of my mobile so that the chap behind me can’t read it. Can’t tell if he’s looking at me because he’s got sunglasses on, despite the fact that the weather’s gloomy and about to rain.

Perhaps we’re going to have a thunderstorm.

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Her Eyes Were Shining

She’s alright
She’s alright now
Flyin’ over mountains
Comin’ through the clouds
She’s alright
Like an eagle in the wind
I know she’s gonna make it through
‘Cause she’s got true blue friends

She’s Alright, The Choir

Walking on air, skipping down footpaths, running through empty courtyards just because I can.

Feel disorientated because I can’t remember why I’m feeling this way, feel giddy from the relief of the depression lifting. The world is full of a million cacophonies of things to do, calling to me, only time can keep me from them.

Will try to keep things toned down when I see my worker on Monday, I hate being questioned about sleep, energy, racing thoughts, don’t wanna talk about how I am, cos I’m fine. I’m happy, yeah, anybody would be happy in my position.

The students are coming back now, term restarts tomorrow. No longer will I have this beautiful special place to myself, this place that has been “home” for four years now. Went out in the quad last night in my dressing gown cos I couldn’t sleep, it was so quiet and perfect that I nearly felt like crying. Won’t have the privilege of living anywhere like this ever again, so I’m determined to revel in it while I still can.

If things are quiet round here, it means I’m fine, just too busy flying through the clouds to post.

NB: Today was a fun day. Started with the floor (accidentally) being covered in museli, and ended in purple hair!

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You Can Lead A Horse To Water…

…but you cannot make it drink.

So, I told my parents.

Their response?

Silence.

I know they don’t know what to say, I know that they must hate not knowing what to say.

But, c’mon, say something to acknowledge that I’m going through a shitty time? I’m giving up my dreams, my place on a very good course, my accomodation, and the job I love… because of an severe illness that is as yet remaining out of my control.

Walking off without acknowledging me when I go to say “Goodbye” because you can’t cope is understandable, but dammit, I don’t want to have to understand you, or give you time… I want some support, m’kay?

Is this really too much to ask?

I posted them a copy of this and this (the first of which is my personal antidote to the “noone else feels like this” moments) in the hope that they might read them, and perhaps be able to understand a little.

On the plus side, my mood and energy remain on an upward trend, as evidenced by the fact that today’s session with my worker took place with me perched on the windowsill…

…thus providing me with a very high outlook, I guess 😀

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The World Goes Bang

We’re gonna block out the sun so you can’t see a thing
And then we’ll open up the wounds to let the devils in

The World Goes Bang, Plastic Toys

Some major events have happened/are occurring this week, which have left me feeling rather stressed.

  1. I’m withdrawing from uni (posh word for ‘dropping out’)
  2. I told my parents about (1), and that I’m on anti-depressants
  3. I’m seeing my parents this weekend, as I do every Easter

Yep, I’m dropping out.

Dropping out.

Dropping out?

Nope, still hasn’t sunk in 😕

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A Breath of Wind

I can’t believe how quickly things are changing. I almost feel I need to hold on to something to steady myself while the ground shifts beneath my feet,

My world view is changing; I’m considering that perhaps I’ve been ill again, and certain thoughts were not as inspired or realistic as I felt they were at the time.

On Thursday I was feeling very impulsive, and found it hard to resist having another crack at you-know-what rather sooner than I’d planned.

Now, I feel… a wierd feeling… I think it’s called… being ok?

I’m still a bit down though, I think, and I barely dare breath in case I upset whatever is going on and tip the mood seesaw again.

Just standing very still and waiting for the debris to settle.

And wondering what the **** has been going on?

Mummy, I’m scared, I don’t want to play this game any more…

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