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Archive for January, 2009

Change is in the Air

(Side note: This is my 100th post)

…well, a change of med may be coming my way.

I duely delivered my “I hate citalopram” speech to my GP, who seemed to listen, and then commented that I’d been on so many antidepressants (er… three?) that we were running out of first-line options, and maybe it was time I tried “one of the newer ones, like venlaflaxine” – but that that would likely require seeing a psychiatrist first.

Instead, she’s going to speak to the chocolate teapot before she decides what to do, so that they can “form a coherent plan”, and then she’ll let me know.

So, I’ve really no idea what’s coming next, I just hope something does!

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Which Way Is Up?

I’m so confused… I don’t know what’s going on any more. Life has turned into a neverending conveyor belt of ineffective revision.

My mood has definately dropped over the past fortnight or so – but in a glamorous or dramatic fashion, just that slow insidious morphing of my entire body into a leaden block of ice. From the outside, I’m managing to be talkative and chatty, on the inside I die a little more each day. I’m not even sure I can blame the citalopram – it’s now 6 weeks since I dropped my Tally dose. I’m a little worried actually, because it’s this sort of thing that drives me to do silly things if it continues too long.

I feel deflated, like my previous euphoria was a lie. But then maybe it was. Thinking back carefully, I’m fairly sure I was unnecessarily prickly to people, I definately spent too much time hiding behind furniture from unspecified “things” and I genuinely can’t remember why my credit card is just £14 under its limit. In fact, I got a bit of a shock logging into my internet banking to check the facts while writing this, because I was under the impression that some of that was an outstanding balance from the month before and would have been paid off by now (my credit card is paid in full each month from my current account). It turns out I was wrong…

I’m seeing my doctor on Wednesday, to either convince her to prescribe me those tiny little 10mg pills, or to try me on something else. I’m fairly sure she’ll try to coax me back onto 20mg of Tally, but writing this post has cemeted in my mind the fact that you wouldn’t get me back up to a “therapeutic” dose of it for all the tea in China. I don’t think I can afford any more nasty financial surprises!

My academic work is somewhat of a disaster at the moment… but I’m trying to rely on friends for help, and I’ve fired off an email to ask for an extension on a lab report that’s otherwise due in in a week. I’m not sure if I really do need extra time – I probably could manage it if I really buckled down, but if I can get it it will ease the pressure on me to “perform” consistently enough to get it written in that time.

Hmmm, this post has actually turned out to be a lot more coherent than I thought it would, so I’ll celebrate by going to bed…

Still not quite sure what to do though.

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Can You Hear the Sound of My Dreams Smashing?

… it probably sounds something like what you might hear if you were unfortunate enough to be caught in a china shop during an earthquake.

I’m fresh out of my second exam of this January. I actually thought I was going to do well in this one… however, I suspect that if I do pass it, it will be a scraped pass.

I’m having to come to terms with the fact that my degree is a trainwreck – that while I do want to do this course, and am academically capable of doing it, I’m not yet as mentally healthy as I like to think I am, and said mental illness is getting in the way. Still.

I’m really not sure what to do. I’m guessing that repeating the year again would be unlikely to be seen as being “in my best interests”. Why throw yet more money into a degree that I may never achieve?

Unfortunately, I don’t have much time to dwell on it at the moment. I’ve got yet another exam tomorrow morning…

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