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Archive for December, 2008

Good Riddance to 2008

Christmas is over (almost), family arguments have broken out at the other end of the house, and I’m trying to revise.

Christmas was good in the end, though the turkey was undercooked, and I only had a couple of presents to unwrap. The biggie was a new graphics card for my computer, which will indeed be much appreciated, but, given that my computer is back at uni, it’s been deposited un-loved in the corner of my bedroom until I return…

…which will be in only two days! I’m really looking forward to escaping the clutches of my familly. Tally has made the whole thing a lot more bearable than it would have been in a different mood, but I think I’ve been snapping too much at people, and it will be nice to be able to be alone again (without my mother coming to find me just to tell me she’s feeling lonely).

I’m also glad to see the back of 2008, though to be honest I don’t have coherent memories of most of it. Not sure I could expect coherent memories, given that I spent it going subtlely bonkers in different ways. On the upside (?) I do have this blog to remind me what occured, should i fancy some self-flagelation.

However, I do get to enter 2009 with a brand spanking new outlook on life, more support than I’ve ever had before (albeit some of the chocolate teapot variety), and a dashing red coat that I alternately hate and love, depending on what pills I’m taking at the time.

Happy New Year… or whatever is most appropriate.

*hands out champagne and slabs of christmas cake*

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Merry Christmas

And ye, beneath life’s crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow,
Look now! for glad and golden hours
come swiftly on the wing.
O rest beside the weary road,
And hear the angels sing!

It Came Upon The Midnight Clear

(Apologies, I wanted to post a more modern version of that verse that had caught my imagination somewhat at a carol service, but I couldn’t find it on the internet at all!)

So, it appears to be Christmas again. A strange time of year, one which seems to highlight the differences between what my life is and what it could be. And yet I can’t stand around and mope about it, because I will miss what I have when it’s gone, and it will be soon.

So, here’s to the season, to eating lots of nice food and having a good time (even if forced to)… but also to that old old mystery pondered upon across the world today – that of God becoming a helpless human baby, and living in our messed up, hurtful world, until we killed him.

Merry Christmas!

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Back “Home”

I’ve been back with my parents since Friday evening.

It actually feels very strange to be back, almost dreamlike. I know this place, but yet I don’t. In my mind, it’s still the sleepy coastal town it used to be, stuck a generation or so behind the rest of the country. Yet it has moved on, and only my memories are stuck behind in the past.

And this is not just about the previously thriving high street, now filled with estate agents and souless chain stores. It’s true at a far more personal level. Even up until last year, I was taunted when I walked down the road, by kids who were copying what their elder brothers and sisters had done when I still lived here – not a one of them knowing who Chou was or what she might have done to earn their emnity.

Now I’m free to walk the streets again, without a hint of recognition. Blessed anonimity, yet bringing a tinge of regret. After 19 long years lived in this place, is this all I have to show for it?

Not that I have no friends here, but they’re all within my church, and all much older than I am. More like familly than friends, as I’ve known them since I was a young teenager, and it was they who taught me to match my movements with theirs, to move in time with others and learn to be comfortable in the company of people.

My blood familly are getting on my nerves somewhat. I’m seeing their life through fresh eyes now, and I’m itching to dive in and save them from themselves. The grime in the kitchen, the clutter on the landing, the thick layer of dust on the carpets. How can anyone live like this, without being ground down? How did I ever live like this?

But… it occurs to me that this is nothing less than arrogance. If they are happy here, then I have no right to suggest that they change their ways just to please me.

All I can really do is grit my teeth and try to make the most of being here.

(Unfortunately, I’m having to grit my teeth in more ways that one, as Tally side effects are still having their way with me, even on only 10mg. I can tell that I’m being snappy as hell, and I simply can’t sit comfortably – it feels rather like there are little creatures running around inside my skin and playing the xylophone with my vertebrae. Eeeeeeeeeesh…)

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This is Where My Body Bops Me On the Head…

I was more or less forced to spend the day in bed today. “Forced” being a synonym for “every time I attempted to move from a horizontal position, my head felt as if it would fall off, or the ground turn treacherous underneath my feet”. It’s taking me quite a while to write this post, because I A) keep typoing on almost every single word, and B) keep returning to bed. I feel fairly jovial and human at the moment, but every sharp movement brings dizziness, or a pain or an ache.

To be honest, I’ve drafted it over and over and over again in my head, but now that I’m able to sit at my computer and type, the words won’t come as easilly as they did then. Last night I thought someone was messing with my thoughts, now it feels rather like they’ve excavated the whole lot and replaced them with cotton wool!

I would have attempted to make it into uni today, but my lab partner rang me up before I tried, and told me to go back to bed – advice which I’m now quite glad to have followed. My plans to catch up on my work and ace my exams have (frustratingly) been shelved today, as all I turned out to be capable of was ringing up my lab partner and raving enthusiastically about the data anaylsis I want to do. Actually doing it turned out to be too much of an effort.

I’m somewhat caught between an immoveable object and an unstoppable force at the moment. The immovable object being my aching bones, and the unstoppable force being my restlessness. A study of an ancient paradox formed in flesh and blood – no wonder I feel so uneasy and unwell!

The restlessness is actually beginning to niggle scratches on the outside of my Utopia, bringing to mind my worker’s gentle attempts to insert words of caution, to ask me to remember “what happened last time you were this ‘up'”. The flaw there is that I’m not “up” – but nevertheless, the restlessness is clearly not entirely under my control, is perhaps an additional piece to fill in a section of the jigsaw.

Perhaps Tally may not be the right AD for me after all… we’ll have to see.

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Observation of the Day

It turns out be very difficult to juggle with boxes of old meds.

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L’extase des sens

My thoughts pass away, with the calm at sea,
All the faces around me, words of wisdom for me
Follow my proclamation, for a new experience of life.

Dont be afraid, we now start to dive,
For the liquid child, for the labryinth of time.
So open up your eyes, and realise my sign,
Come with me to the different places,
And be a part of diving faces.

I’m twirling, whirling, smiling in an enlightening whirlwind of life. I can’t believe I ever doubted this… the world is real, and I’m tasting it right now. Even tasting the words that I type, weaving them from the threads in my brain into a silken tapestry of cyberspace.

I’d forgotten how it felt to have thoughts running up and down your soul, massaging and soothing and pleasuring. Forgotten that I’d ever experienced this, the pure ecstasy of it, of being at one with myself and the world, of being real.

But now I’m learning more and more, all the things I didn’t know before… and looking forward to a life repleet with this blissful light.

All is well, all is fabulous. My GP’s delighted with the improvement in me, and now everything is going right. I’m productive, I’m sociable, I’m me. The real me.

Even my dreams are telling me things I didn’t know before.

Something’s going to happen. I’m not yet sure what it is, but it’s coming, and it’s going to be glorious!

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How Risky Am I?

Well, I dunno, but my worker wants to find out! She managed to talk me into agreeing to do a “more accurate” risk assessment next week, on the basis that we would then be able to track how my risk changes over time. She did somewhat mitigate the scariness of that by giving me a copy of the form, so I do know more or less what I’m in for in a week’s time. I really appreciate that actually, it’s nice to have!

I must say, it’s a bit more in depth than previous “risk assessments”. It comes in three parts.

We have…

Risk Assessment for Previous Suicide Attempt
This page basically boils down to “If you’ve previously tried to top yourself, were you off your face on booze or drugs, and did you really intend to die, or were you making a cry for help?”. This will be the difficult bit, I think. Especially since at that time I did intend death (it was just so badly planned that it had no effect whatsoever, other than denting my pride somewhat)

Current Suicide Ideation Risk
Does this need an explanation? It’s certainly negligible at this particular point in time, though subject to change as the Tally continues to mess with my neurotransmitters.

Crisis Management Plan
Er… don’t know if she’s actually going to include this bit. I guess she must intend to, because she checked she’d photocopied all the pages and in the right order before she gave it to me, and didn’t flag this bit up as being irrelevant or accidentally copied. Not a clue what I could put in a crisis plan, which of course is more or less the point of them, but it’s always seemed to be more something that’s aimed at the severely ill, rather than people like me.

So, erm… interesting (and rather morbid) food for thought over this next week. Hmmmm…

How does this compare to what other people have experienced? Would really welcome your thoughts!

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