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Archive for May, 2008

Overanalysis…

Since I had my latest er, episode type thing, I’ve been much more finally attunded to the question of “is this normal?”. Things that previously would have just elicitated a “here we go again…” reponse from me, and quiet waiting till it passed – these now make me wonder – is this something I should be expecting, something I should just be accepting as life?

For instance, I haven’t been able to shake off the feeling all day that none of this is my real life. I do feel real in the sense that I’m a living thing made of flesh and bone and I exist on the planet Earth… but I have a pervading feeling that I’m just an actor, playing me typing into a computer… and that someone’s going to jump into camera with a clipperboard, yell CUT!, and I’ll be able to go back to my own life…

Oddly, I find it impacts on my choices. If I’m not really this me, then I don’t need to worry about eating chocolate, right? Cos this character’s not going to get fat, or anything… and I can just be me, independent of what I eat.

And yes, I know that doesn’t make sense…. but on the other hand it does.

And so it goes on…

Can I go home now? It’s getting late…

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I’m still here…

Just really apathetic. Tried a couple times now to write something, but didn’t. Hoping this might kickstart me into something.

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Procrastination

So, I’m supposed to be applying for a summer job, yeah?

I’ve got an interview on Friday for a part-time job for next year.

Oh well, hopefully Ill get it!

And then I can, er… get back to what I was supposed to be doing.

You can take a girl out of student life, but clearly you can’t take student life out of the girl…

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Still fueled up on the sugar from the remainder of my pic ‘n mix, I’m going to admit to how truely pathetic I am how much I’ve let depression impact my life…

Forget the “getting a job” thing – that’s important, yes, but the following are my three major I-want-to-improve-my-quality-of-life goals for the summer:

  • Get my computer fixed

  • Have a haircut

  • Register with a dentist

I should perhaps explain a little :

EDIT: Clipped the moaning (more…)

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Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… Sugar

(pic from here)

I splashed out on about £2 worth of Woolies Pick ‘n Mix sweets, which I’m now about 3/4 of the way through (yikes). I can almost feel my waistline expanding, but they’re just so nice (and nostalgic… I used to love having these when I was a laal kid).

Sugar kinda numbs over the holes in the day, like crying in a train packed full with strangers, and just makes it all seem kinda nice… and bouncy… and coloured pink with lots of E-numbers.

Mmmmmmm…

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Relapse and Recurrence

Just as I thought you’d gone,
You come again
The old familliar pain,
Burning within me,
Moving though me.

Out of the night you come,
Touching me gently
Like an old friend.
Repelled, I reach out my hand
And draw you in,
Feeling you as part of me
Knowing who I am

(poem from here)

It’s hard to let go of something that’s been a part of you for a quarter of your life. Even at some of my happiest times, there’s been a little internal voice telling me that I should kill myself there and then, and go out while I’m so happy. Kinda like people who die in coitus, I suppose. This is something that I’d find quite hard to talk about in person, because, everybody knows that people who have suicidal thoughts are usually depressed… right? Somehow suicidal thoughts seem easier to comprehend when the world seems such a dark and dreary place than when your dreams are coming true, and life has never seemed rosier.

My life up till now is all a bit of a funny blur, really. Well, that’s the nature of memory (except for what I’ve heard called “flashbulb memories”), but some bits are more blurry than others. I can’t, for instance, remember much of what I did between about September and March, which co-incides with the worst bits of my most recent depression episode. Spring and Summer 2007 are quite close to my mind in contrast, especially with the glorious weather we’ve been having recently. When I close my eyes, or I’m still for a moment, my mind slips back to those days, and I almost feel slightly shocked to realise that I’m living in a completely different area of town, and the year is 2008.

– – –

I don’t want to duplicate my previous existential whining,but I’m still having a little trouble bending my mind round the idea that one day I won’t have “issues” any more. I can’t claim that I think about them much when I’m not having problems with them, but they have shaped my choices and behaviour.

For instance, I avoid alcohol these days, because

  1. my suicide plans always involve alcohol
  2. there have been times in my life where I’ve felt that my inhibitions are all that stood between me and an impulsive suicide attempt

…so I feel a lot safer not drinking, and being known as a non-drinker, as that way people tend to keep an eye out for me on whether I’ve been drinking or not, and stop me if I am.

Having said all that, I can definately remember not being able to comprehend what life would be like when I left school – it just seemed so impossibly far away. And, well, here I am now, and the universe hasn’t imploded! I guess this stuff is analogous to that…

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“Smile!”

Just for effect, let’s have that again:

Smile!

I went into town today, and that was exactly the word someone decided to yell at me in the middle of the local shopping centre. I was too busy trying to eat an ice cream before it melted to be able to point out that smiling while eating an ice cream is actually rather tricky (but I digress…).

I don’t know why he did that, and it’s not really my place to theorise about why he might have, but it’s certainly a complaint I heard from plenty of people when I was growing up. I assume I can’t be alone in this? There’s two reasons why, I think – one is that, obviously, depression doesn’t really make it easy to walk around looking like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. The other is kinda linked to my shyness – when I was growing up, I found that showing emotion (of whatever sort) often got attention, ranging from the innocent

“You look happy today”

through to the cutting

“Why are you happy, eh?

and to the absolutely well-meant but deadly

Are you ok, Chouette?

So I trained myself not to. Someone who knows me quite well once described me as “incredibly self-contained”, and it’s very true. In a way, this helps to feed depressive episodes, because it gives me sharper knives to hurt myself with in my mind.

I was told, in a school drama class once, to “act angry” (we were doing improvisation). I, er, did what he said. I snapped. All the anger from what had happened to me, and all the anger at myself, suddenly found an uncontrolled and unsuppressed release. I have a strong memory of seeing the poor girl who was my partner cowering up against the opposite wall, with real fear in her eyes. I think that memory will last forever.

I only got a B for that “improv”…

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