The Ties That Bind Us

There’s an old saying, “Everyone’s mad except me and thee, and I’m not so sure about thee”. I always thought that being in that position was an indication of being mad yourself, but I guess that just shows how little I knew. I came to a glorious, liberating epiphany last night. As a rule, in [...]

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The Shadow Lover

Shadow-Lover, never seen by day, Only deep in dreams do you appear. Wisdom tells me I should turn away, Love of mist and shadows, all unclear – Nothing can I hold of you but thought Shadow-Lover mist and twilight wrought. Shadow-Lover, comfort me in pain. Love, although I never see your face, All who’d have [...]

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Honesty Hurts

I hate myself for not obeying the thoughts, I hate myself for finding it so difficult to fight against them. I can’t win. I feel scared, alone, unsafe. I don’t understand why I feel this way, where the thoughts are coming from. There is noone here, noone I can talk to, noone who might stop [...]

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Goodbye Meds, Goodbye Chocolate Teapot

So, I’ve just got off the phone with the PCMHT, and it’s sorted – no more choc teapot (hurrah!), and no more PCMHT for Chouette. I also saw my GP this afternoon, who’s happy for me to go off my meds, though she did emphasise that “her door was always open”, presumably in case I [...]

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I’ve Been Thinking…

I know night-time thoughts are not the most reliable, but I still feel the same in the cold white light of morning. I’m not ill, I don’t have any problems other than ones I’ve made myself. I’ve been deluding myself that I can blame them on anything other than my own unwillingness to face up [...]

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How Risky Am I?

Well, I dunno, but my worker wants to find out! She managed to talk me into agreeing to do a “more accurate” risk assessment next week, on the basis that we would then be able to track how my risk changes over time. She did somewhat mitigate the scariness of that by giving me a [...]

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erucsbO rehtaR d’eW stcejbuS rehtO dna ediciuS

(I hope you can see what I did there. Do not adjust your monitor. Anyone who tries to should go and sit in the corner…) I had a rather heavy conversation with my worker at the young people’s place today. I clued her in on some of my history, and showed her my copy of [...]

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The Tears Won’t Come

Slumped in the middle of a half-cleaned room, Hoover still in hand. But the tears won’t come. The storm of my emotions gathers round, seaching out a nook, a cranny, a weakness. But the tears won’t come. I can feel the blood coursing through my veins, keeping me alive, so close to my skin. But [...]

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Blah

The gallows in my garden, people say, Is new and neat and adequately tall; I tie the noose on in a knowing way As one that knots his necktie for a ball; But just as all the neighbours on the wall Are drawing a long breath to shout “Hurray!” The strangest whim has seized me. [...]

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Still Trying to Make Sense of an “Interesting” Week

By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept when we remembered Zion. There on the poplars we hung our harps, for there our captors asked us for songs, our tormentors demanded songs of joy; they said, “Sing us one of the songs of Zion!” How can we sing the songs of the LORD while [...]

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