It’s half past 3 in the morning, and I should be in bed, should have been hours ago…
should have…
should have…
I do this to myself, night after night, sitting immobile as the clock ticks on and the thoughts get darker. Not even the urge to go to the toilet gets me off this chair. I just sit here, rocking now from the pain in my bladder and the pain in my head. Sharp thoughts, slicing through my feelings like a knife doesn’t slice through my skin.
Leaving me with just a mild graze on my arm and an even bigger feeling of incompetence.
I shouldn’t put pressure on myself, shouldn’t use these should words… but if I don’t put pressure on myself, then these long dark nights turn into cold dawns, with me still sat here.
To be fair, I was asked if I wanted one last med review appointment made before I was discharged this week – but psychiatrists are poop, and the medication won’t help, so I said no. I’m not ill, the venlefaxine is warding off the depression, I just need to get myself sorted out.
Which is also why I shouldn’t quote this, no matter how appropriate the lyrics feel.
All day,
Staring at the ceiling making friends with shadows on my wallAll night,
I’m hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for somethingHold on
I’m feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
I don’t know whyUnwell, Matchbox Twenty
The time it took to write this post? One hour. It is now half past 4 in the morning, and still counting.
*shivers* those times of night are always cold, no matter if it’s the middle of summer or not.
I know the feeling about not moving. Shoulds, eh?! But it sounds like you know they’re bad… Keep going xx
Take care sweetie. xx
[...] A Simple Harmonic Muddle, sleepless Chouette wrote about the word ‘should’ — Sleep : I shouldn’t put pressure on myself, shouldn’t use these should words… but if I don’t put [...]